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    Killer Elite (2011)
    Director: Gary McKendry
    Starring: Jason Statham, Clive Owen and Robert De Niro
    This movie is: an action thriller with nothing to do with Sam Peckinpah's 1975 film “The Killer Elite”

    If you were hoping this 1980's period action flick with Statham, De Niro and Owen didn't suck, I have good news - it doesn't. It's fun to see these three very watchable guys on screen together, and set in a time before all the gizmos and gadgets. Fast-paced and smart, it's not the be-all and end-all of action movies, but it'll do quite well. -- Angela Demonde

    Pairs well with: The Mechanic, The Transporter, The Expendables

    No shit: This movie is allegedly based on a true story, from the 1991 novel The Feather Men by ex-SAS officer Sir Ranulph Fiennes who claims that a secret society made up of retired and disabled SAS members saved him from an assassination attempt.

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller August 25, 2012 12:34 pm

    Thanks Angela Ive actually been avoiding this because I thought it was a bad remake of the Peckinpah movie, now that I know it isn't. Streaming here I come.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven September 2, 2012 6:21 pm

    The half an hour of this that the Doc was able to sit through was like getting a spinal tap, but not as fun. Same ol' crap that you've seen done better a million times before. Go for a second opinion before subjecting yourself to this procedure.



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    Kill List (2011)
    Director: Ben Wheatley
    Starring: Neil Maskell, MyAnna Burning
    This movie is: Horror, Thriller, What the Fuck?

    When the credits rolled I literally said "Fuck you!" to the screen. -- Max Heller

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Killer School Girls from Outer Space (2011)
    Director: Alexander Shumake
    Starring: Ron Jeremy and some people you’ve never seen unless you’re friends of the director, in which case you are probably in the movie.
    This movie is: Campy fun, old school goodness

    What can I say, I was sold at the title, the title is review enough alone to decide wether you should watch this. If you think the title sounds awesome you’ll dig it. I laughed out loud about 4 or 5 times which works for me. I just wish they had a little more money to pump into the visual fx. Because that’s the only thing holding this little gem back. Somebody give this director some money already!! And next time...more tits!! if you’re gonna go full Roger Corman you gotta up the tits and bloody fx. The school girls should be mating with guys and giving birth to demon babies that hide in toilets and bite peoples asses..but thats just my two cents.-- Max Heller

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    The Lady in White (1988)
    Director: Frank LaLoggia
    Starring: a young Lukas Haas is pretty much the only recognizable face
    This movie is: Not particularly scary, but solid nonetheless... no, really

    Another worthy Halloween watch. The frights seem to take a backseat in this ghost-with-unfinished-business flick. Atmospheric and nostalgic- a good one to break up a more-intense Halloween playlist. -- Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED as low-impact therapy.

    Pairs well with: The Sixth Sense (1999), The Devil’s Backbone (2001) and other “the ghost’s not here to hurt the kid” movies

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    Lake Mungo (2008)
    Director: Joel Anderson
    Starring: Rosie Traynor, David Pledger. (actors)
    This movie is: Mockumentary, Found footage, Horror, Not real

    Not a lot can be said about this. Its not real. Mockumentaries that try to make you think they are real are cool and all, but ultimately, they aren't real… so who cares. It just means you had a decent idea for a movie and no money to make it. Sure its got some creepy fake moments in it and some Australian people acting like they are real, but in the end they aren't. Had this movie come out 10 years ago and been slipped into the underground like Blair Witch was, it'd be great, but instead its just not real. I am still giving it two and a half stars though. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (1)

    Mick Mickerson March 9, 2012 3:39 pm

    Sorry mate been on walkabout. Nah where were we.



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    The Last Stand (2013)
    Director: Jee-woon Kim
    Starring: Ahnuld, Johnny Knoxville? yeah Johnny gets second billing over Forest Whitaker because Johnny makes a living acting like an Idiot and doing dumb shit while Forest is a true wonky eyed thespian whose acted in a lot of dumb shit
    This movie is: Exactly what you think it is.

    Ahnuld spent a lot of time in the 80's and 90's turning movie bad guys into pulp. He spent a lot of time between 2003/11 turning the state of Kahli-Fornia into pulp. Im glad the latter is over…you should be too. Ahnuld is back to doing what he was meant to do. Huzzah!! --Max Heller

    Pairs well with:
    Expendables movies
    No Shit:
    The director also did that cool ass Korean serial Killer movie I saw the Devil

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Land of the Dead (2005)
    Director: George A. Romero
    Starring: Dennis Hopper, John Leguizamo and some other hams that make this one impossible to buy into
    This movie is: The fourth entry in the series that originated with Night of the Living Dead in 1968, and where the Doc thought “wow, the series can’t get worse than this”... no, really

    This is what happens when a studio tells Romero how to make a zombie movie. Everything feels hokey and over-produced, with ham-handed attempts at social commentary delivered with clunky dialogue. Once you lean into the cheese, you can have a good time with it, but at best, it feels like a plastic reproduction of a Romero zombie flick. This one’s got a pulse, but it’s weak. -- Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED? Yeah, this one’s grown on the Doc, but there’s a reason people don’t say “Romero’s Dead Quadrilogy”

    Pairs well with: Resident Evil Apocalypse (2004) Reviewed on this site by the great Max Heller

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    Comments (2)

    Big Daddy, Leader of the Zombie Resistance Movement October 6, 2012 2:05 am

    To really enjoy this film, make a drinking game out of it. Every time I say "RAAAAAAAARRRGH!", then you take a shot. You're welcome.

    Max_Heller October 6, 2012 10:36 am

    Haha Awesome.

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    Lawnmower Man 2: Jobes War (1996)
    Director: Farhad Mann
    Starring: Patrick Bergin, Matt Frewer
    This movie is: Hard to sit through, Sci fi

    There are bad movies and there are BAD movies and then theres Lawnmower Man 2: Jobes War. Its so bad they changed the title when it hit DVD (probably hoping people would think it was a better movie) Hell I may not even be qualified to review it because I haven't even seen it all, in fact, I dare you to take the LMM 2 challenge. I made it 15 minutes and 14 seconds into the film before I punched out. Comment below with how far you made it in before you gave up and started mowing your lawn, cleaning out your garage, or breaking rocks with a small hammer. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (2)

    Mick Finnegan August 31, 2012 7:32 pm

    I couldn't even finish reading the review.

    Max Heller September 8, 2012 6:05 pm

    Now thats funny Mick!



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    Les Miserables??? (2012)
    Director: The Boring One, you know, the same guy who did The King's Speech.
    Starring: Hugh Jackman, Selena Kyle, Portly Maximus
    This Movie is: A musical. Pretty much, the same format of every musical every made. But with more filthy people.

    Filthy people in desperate need of a bath and delousing sing songs while Fat Russell Crowe tries to imprison them. Worst movie of the American Revolution ever made. --TheErikWilliams

    No Shit: Almost every shot in this movie is a close-up. Want to fuck up your eyes for a while, watch it in HD on a big screen and try not to blink for two hours.

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    Comments (2)

    The Spork Guy March 30, 2013 1:43 am

    Ok, I'll try really hard. I mean reeeally hard, but I don't think I'll ever find a review I agree more with than this one right here. Thank you, TheErikWilliams.

    TheErikWilliams April 10, 2013 7:34 pm

    Gracias, The Spork Guy

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Let The Right One In (2008)
    Director: Thomas Alfredson
    Starring: Kare Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson
    This movie is: More unsettling than scary

    This is the original Swedish film that was remade, almost shot for shot, as Let Me In. The differences are minor, except that Swedish filmmakers give less of a shit if children are brutally beaten on camera. This one gets the edge in scariness, because there are darker undertones to the friendship between the young boy and his vampire “friend,” and because every word spoken in Swedish sounds like a death metal chorus. – Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Salem’s Lot

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    Life of Pi (2012)
    Director: Ang Lee
    Starring: A big fake tiger
    This movie is: Meh.

    Imagine my surprise when I started watching this and quickly discovered it was not about the life of an awesome vagina. --TheErikWilliams

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    Lincoln (2013)
    Director: Steven Spielberg
    Starring: Apparently this starred the actual Lincoln
    This movie is: A history and acting lesson

    I'm a little bummed that Spielberg cut out the whole part of Lincoln's life where he fought vampires and instead focused on the politics of the whole slavery issue. Boooooring. --Max Heller

    Pairs well with: A play about Lincoln

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    Lockout (2012)
    Directors: James Mather, Stephen St Leger
    Starring: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace
    This movie is: Surprisingly bad, Sci-fi, Action, CGI-full

    I gave this film its fair shot, I wanted to see it, but two directors and three writers should have been a warning shot. Five minutes in there is a glaringingly bad CGI chase scene that is just a blurry cartoon. Immediately you're pulled out of it. The movie really is awful, you can smell every moment and every cheesy bit of dialogue coming. Also its obvious they knew they had a bad movie here so they trimmed all the nastiness out of it and tried to pass it off as PG-13, to make more money. Avoid calling the locksmith stay locked out of this one unless your drunk or very bored. --Max Heller

    Pairs well with: John Carpenters Escape from LA, which is equally awful and infinitely better. Yeah…really.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Lord of Illusions (1995)
    Director: Clive Barker
    Starring: Scott Bakula, Famke Janssen
    This movie is: magical horror?

    Evil magicians. Scott Bakula as a badass. A super bad guy named...Nix. Is this a comedy? No, it's actually a pretty good horror-noir flick.-- TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Prepare for the Coming
    Tagline shoulda been: Prepare for the Coming. Seriously. Stop giggling. No, this isn't gay porn.

    No shit: Clive Barker adapted his own short story The Last Illusion for the flick. Lazy bastard.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (2004)
    Director: Larry Blamire
    Starring: People
    This movie is: A funny love letter to '50s B-Movies

    Wooden performances. Cheesy dialogue. Monsters, aliens, and an evil skeleton with mind powers. A hot chick made from forest animals. Umm...why haven't you seen this yet? --TheErikWilliams


    Tagline was: This was the Day the Earth was Disemboweled with Terror!
    Tagline shoulda been: How can you top the original?

    No shit: Written in five days and shot in ten, parts of which included scenes in the famous Bronson Canyon area.

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller April 13, 2013 11:26 am

    This move is hilarious!

    Max_Heller April 13, 2013 11:36 am

    ";Putting the Amish in glass cases would be inhumane!"