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    Gangster Squad (2013)
    Director: Ruben Fleischer
    Starring: Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Sean Penn in a crazy makeup
    This movie is: Popcorn, historical FICTION

    This is the best Dick Tracy remake you will see until they decide to remake the actual Dick Tracy. Gangsters, tommy guns crazy makeups.and a dame with gams that go all the way up. You could do worse but don't expect much. --Max Heller

    No shit:
    There was a gangster squad…but not like this.

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    Comments (10)

    Amal Spence April 2, 2013 4:03 pm


    I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s both equally educative and interesting, and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The issue is something which not enough folks are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy I came across this during my hunt for something regarding this.

    Max_Heller May 27, 2013 12:43 am

    Amal Spence is really into debating the merits of how I compared Gangster Squad to Dick Tracy. Im glad he found himself so informed. You are welcome sir!!

    Bored 25 Female January 22, 2014 9:14 pm

    I find this girl attractive if if I had never seen Jesica Rabbit. If anybody u guys wanna catch a film email me. I like movie dates like Cybil Sheppard.

    Dick Gazenya January 22, 2014 10:07 pm

    I'll be a little more direct than Max regarding Amal's sarcasm.
    Look the movie wasn't great but you can't go making fun of a guy for trying to break this film down. Hell! Describing specs of shit on a toilet bowl would be more rewarding. Yes, those docile formations forced into a violent porcelain ending to their journey. There they sit like islands away from their broken off selves. In the darkness of a room or shadowed by the rotating parade of anonymous ass. Slowly will they wash away, inept, lifeless. Perhaps a second serving of violence when cleaning lady Lupe scrapes them away to drown in a shocking flush. You feel that Amal? They're called tears. Wipe them motherfucker.

    Max_Heller February 9, 2014 6:11 pm

    Well played Dick. You had me at Shit.

    and for the Bored Female there are other movies I could take you to.

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    The Great Gatsby (2013)
    Director: Baz Luhrmann
    Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joel Edgerton
    This movie is: old timey, classic story

    Wake me up when Seabiscuit wins - Kelly Warne

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    Comments (3)

    Max_Heller May 24, 2013 6:26 pm

    Kelly gets it!

    Ashley May 24, 2013 8:47 pm

    Kelly CAN get it! ;)

    The Spork Guy June 2, 2013 1:05 am

    Yeah, In my opinion, The Sunscreen Song is still the best thing Baz has done.

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    Get the Gringo (2012)
    Director: Adrian Grunberg
    Starring: Mel Gibson
    This Movie is: Cool '70s B-Movie Action

    Sure, Mel Gibson's crazy. But he has, for the most part, made good movies as an actor and director. He's at his best when he's himself: crazy. And this movie sees him return to form: crazy and dangerous. Good stuff. --TheEricWilliams

    Tagline was: The Odds are Against Him. So is Everyone Else.
    Tagline shoulda been: Touch My Money Again, and I'll Kill You, Sugar Tits

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    Comments (0)

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Ghost Rider The Spirit of Vengeance (2012)
    Directors: Mark Neveldine ,Brian Taylor
    Starring: Nicholas “Crazy Eyes” Cage
    This movie is: Cagey, Cooler than it should be

    Remember that Ghost Rider abomination that came out in 2007? Yeah these guys remember that too and they are very, very sorry that we all had to sit through that, so they want to make it up to you by giving you this….Apology accepted….kinda, you're still not out of the doghouse Ghost Rider, but we aren’t as mad as we were before. --Max Heller

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars (2001)
    Director: John Carpenter
    Starring: Ice Cube, Jason Statham, Pam Grier, and Hot Chick from Species
    This movie is: Sci Fi, Horror

    So human miners on Mars (as opposed to Martian miners on...Mars) dig up an old Martian tunnel full of Martian ghosts (no, that's really the plot point in the movie), get promptly possessed by said ghosts, and turn into goths and metal heads led by Marilyn Manson on steroids and all dress like they just came from the Wastelands of THE ROAD WARRIOR. They then kill and mutilate and kill. The humans not possessed die. A few survive. But of course, the ending basically comes full circle to the beginning, meaning nothing is fucking resolved. Awesome. With a good cast and a Anthrax on the soundtrack, this should be B-Movie gold. Yeah, not so much. Not even craptastic. Just plain crap.-- TheErikWilliams


    If you'd like to add something pick from some or all of the below items

    Tagline was: It's Their Planet...We are the Aliens
    Tagline shoulda been: The Red Planet will Run Red with Human Blood! BWAH-HAHAHAHA!

    No shit: This movie effectively ended Pam Grier's Resurrected Career
    Pairs well with: John Carpenter's Village of the Damned; John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness: John Carpenter's Memoirs of an Invisible Man; John Carpenter's Vampires; and poop.

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    Comments (0)

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    Ghoul (2012)
    Director: Gregory Wilson
    Starring: Nolan Ghould (get it we misspelled his name Ghoul-d never mind) Also the General from Wargames
    This movie is: Horror, Surprisingly good for something made by the Chiller channel

    We were part of a live tweet session while this movie debuted on TV. Arguably this added to the fun of watching the movie… But it is a low budget gem thats genuinely creepy and real. It's based on the Novel Ghoul, by Brian Keene and it has the General from Wargames playing a Grandpa who sadly doesn't last long, but leaves the gem of his knowledge with young impressionable Goonie type kids that learn lessons about how to survive life's real monsters. I haven't read the book, but they are always better, I suspect this is no different. --Max Heller

    Pairs well with:
    It, Goonies, The Girl Next Door, (not the my neighbor porn chickmovie)

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    Comments (3)

    Late to the party April 13, 2012 9:40 pm

    Not yet but I did like the movie. Now Im gonna read it.

    Max_Heller April 21, 2012 2:06 pm

    I actually started reading the book this week too.

    Horrorfan 13 July 29, 2012 10:46 am

    Brian Keene is the fucking MAN!!!



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    The Girl Next Door (2007)
    Director: Gregory Wilson
    Starring: William Atherton, Blythe Auffarth
    This movie is: Based on a novel, fucked up

    I was a bit nervous when I heard they were turning this novel by Jack Ketchum into a film. Not because the novel wasn’t good, hell...it’s great. It’s just very touchy material. One slip and the whole house of cards could fall down.

    Well, thankfully, this film adaptation treated the source material with enough reverence and care that it manages to tell the story exactly the way the book does, without changing hardly a thing and without exploiting the true story that the book was based upon. That said, this film is not for everyone. It’s not a ‘horror’ movie, but more a movie about the horrors that people can inflict upon others. Great acting all around and competent cinematography lends such a genuine and intimate feel to this film...you almost feel like you’re there. Which is a very creepy thing, indeed. A very dark and intense journey into a brutal and shocking event. --Schmokin'

    Pairs well with: Reading every novel you can get your hands on by Jack Ketchum.


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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller May 3, 2012 8:09 pm

    I watched this movie a few years ago and while I was in the last act of it some friends of mine who were visiting from out of town came over and they were horrified. "what on earth are you watching? " They said. I kept having to apologize.



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    The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2009)
    Director: Niels Arden Oplev
    Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist
    This Movie Is: Mystery, Dark, Foreign (Swedish)

    Yikes! I had lots of fast heart beating and tight butthole clenching while watching this mystery which involves lots of fast heart beating and tight butthole clenching. I thought Swedes and Danes were supposed to be happy people?
    Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: The Girl who does other shit, Gone Baby Gone

    No shit: The entire series, titled Millennium, is available as a six part extended edition on Netflix Streaming.

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    Comments (0)



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    The Girl who Played with Fire (2009)
    Director: Daniel Alfredson
    Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyquist
    This movie is: Swedish, Violent, Dark

    Pretty decent Swedish movie. I gave it four stars because there's a lesbian sex scene, a giant blonde Tom Berenger-a-like and a scene where Ikea furniture gets put together. Sort of the Swedish Trifecta. Good Stuff. Its the sequel to a movie about a girl with a Tattoo. I hear in the next movie she attacks a hornets nest or something...sounds cool. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Those other movies about that girl and her wacky bad-ass adventures.

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    The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest (2009)
    Director: Daniel Alfredson
    Starring: Noomi Rapace, Michael Nyqvist
    This Movie is: Dark, Thriller

    The trilogy definitely went downhill after her “Dragon Tattoo” and gets harder to piece together than a NORDDAL, but if you’ve stuck with "The Girl" this long then you probably enjoy getting your meatballs in a twist. -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Hard Candy, Primal Fear
    No shit: The TV reporter covering the trial in the movie is an actual TV reporter in Sweden.

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    Comments (0)

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    God Bless America (2011)
    Director: Bobcat Goldthwait
    Starring: Joel Murray, Tara Lynne Barr
    This Movie Is: Dark Comedy, Bonnie and Clyde-ish

    Watching this is the same thing as taking everything you've ever hated about society and shooting it in the face with an assault rifle. Yes, that sounds offensive, but that's why it's awesome. So just trust me, this possibly the most relatable movie you'll ever see. --The Spork Guy


    Pairs Well With: Wild at Heart, Natural Born Killers

    Tagline Was: Taking Out the Trash, One Jerk at a Time
    Tagline Should Have Been: This message is brought to you by the NRA

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller March 31, 2013 4:01 pm

    This movie is awesome!! Its the new Falling Down. Which is also a great movie.

    The Spork Guy April 15, 2013 10:33 pm

    Couldn't agree more with that comparison.

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    Gothika (2003)
    Director: Mathieu Kassovitz
    Starring: Halle Berry, Penélope Cruz, Robert Downey Jr.

    Think of this as a checklist of horror movie staples of the ‘aughts. Creepy long-haired girl? Check. Twist ending? Triple check. Jump cuts of screaming, distorted ghosts? Got those. Jacob’s Ladder-esque head whipping? You bet. “Gothika is so cookie-cutter in its design, it may be the Frankenstein’s monster of horror movies, cobbled together from parts of good movies that have been done to death. – Leslie Down

    This movie pairs well with: Hitchcock’s Spellbound

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    Comments (0)

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    Green Lantern (2011)
    Director: Martin Campbell
    Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively
    This movie is: Comic Book, Disappointing

    Question: How do you fuck up a movie about a reluctant hero chosen by aliens to save the universe with a magic ring that can do anything, directed by the guy that did Casino Royale? Answer: Pretty much every way possible. If you’ve seen The Last Starfighter, you’ve seen a better version of this movie. -- Hagop

    Pairs well with: Your team not making the playoffs, turning 40, seeing Styx for the first time at the Iowa State Fair, and all life’s other great let-downs.

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller April 3, 2012 6:46 pm

    3 words, predictable, digital, douchebagery

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:09 pm

    Yeah and too bad really, I had really been looking forward to it.



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    The Grey (2012)
    Director: Joe Carnahan
    Starring: Liam Neeson, Dermut Mulrooney
    This movie is: Not a date movie, Survival, Drama, Horror, Violent

    Okay this movie isn't totally horror, but it is horrifying. It starts out kind of down, like you've got a gun in your mouth and you want to end it, but you can't because the plane your on crashes and now you have to help people (annoying), and then things get worse. You find out hungry wolves are hunting you and the survivors. As if freezing to death next to a plane wreck wasn't bad enough. Just when you think theres a light at the end of the tunnel, WHAM it’s a train with teeth, eating people. But you’re still alive and you feel there’s hope, then this movie puts its boot on your throat…. ahhhh sweet darkness. Other than that I really liked it.Its a man's man movie. Its the Wild Bunch with wolves. If The Big Lebowski watched this movie at the end he would say, "Bummer dude, thats a bummer." But sometimes life is a bummer. Your mom will hate it -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: A rare steak dinner.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Halloween (1976)
    Director: John Carpenter
    Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis
    This movie is: Franchise starter, Horror

    Who knew babysitting could be so dangerous. Laurie Strode and friends are viciously stalked by Michael Myers, an escaped mental patient who killed his sister more than a decade ago. Originally titled "The Babysitter Murders," "Halloween" is turned into an instant classic, ushering in a legion of 'slasher films' to soon follow. Rent it for Halloween - you're night's not complete without it! -- The Movie Buff

    No Shit: "Halloween" was Jamie Lee Curtis' first movie. Her mother, Janet Leigh, is best known for her infamous "shower scene" in Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho"


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    Halloween (2007)
    Director: Rob Zombie
    Starring: A bunch of people I've never heard of and Malcolm McDowell
    This movie is: Craptacular Horror

    Michael Myers has a back story. I'll say no more. Stop, pull the DVD or Blu-Ray out of your machine, and shit on it right now. Unless you're streaming it, then just drop a deuce on your Roku, Apple TV, or preferred streaming device. --TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Evil has a Destiny

    Tagline shoulda been: Evil has Dysentery

    No shit: Someone thought it would be good to remake a great flick. No shit? Fuckheads.
    Pairs well with: Bowel movements, Miller High Life, Kevin Smith's Red State.


    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission

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    Comments (7)

    Johnny Nogerelli February 28, 2012 4:17 pm

    Tell ya, I kinda liked this movie, and I hate the earlier crap Zombie made. And I grew up watching all of the originals (Jason, Freddy, etc.), so this isn't my first rodeo. The scene with the kid walking down the hall with the adult-size mask on was more than a little unsettling. Points for creating a believable origin for Michael Myers.
    4 STARS

    Max_Heller February 29, 2012 1:35 pm

    I'll admit to liking the first part of the movie better than the rest of it, but it was a little over the top for me. Thanks for the comment.

    Max Heller October 1, 2012 7:47 pm

    I put my review here because Erik's was awesome.
    Really Rob? Really? You were given the keys to the Halloween franchise and THIS is what you came up with? White trash people everywhere should march and protest this film, crying out, "We isn't really like That."

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven October 3, 2012 7:16 pm

    Rob Zombie should stick with not doing music well.

    The Movie Buff October 5, 2012 3:08 pm

    Kind of a shame that William Forsythe, famous for 90s action flicks like "Virtuosity" and "The Rock" was cast to play the white trash wife beater Ronnie. Almost as bad as casting Kevin Kline as the father in the pointless "No Strings Attached"

    The Spork Guy February 24, 2013 5:15 pm

    I'll admit, the only thing I really enjoyed about this movie was that I prefer Michael Myers' method of escape from the hospital in this version. But, it's pretty much ruined by Danny Trejo's death scene which is just Mr. Zombie screaming, "Look! My version of Michael Myers is Badass!! This movie is really fucked up!!"

    Max_Heller February 28, 2013 8:47 pm

    Congrats Eric on this award winning review!



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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Halloween II (2009)
    Director: Rob Zombie
    Starring: Malcolm McDowell and the nobodies from the first one who didn't die
    This movie is: Shit with pieces of corn in it

    Hmmm...let me meditate on this. Psychic link between Michael Myers and Laurie. Sherri Moon Zombie on a white horse. What the fuck!?!? You know when you take a shit and it's solid but near the end it gets soft and runny? The first movie was solid shit. This one is the soft, runny stuff near the end.-- TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Family is Forever
    Tagline shoulda been: Family is Forever...until you kill them. Then it's kind over.

    No shit: Rob wanted to make a more serious, thoughtful movie. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
    Pairs well with: Double ply; Thunderbird; Russian Roulette

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    Comments (2)

    Horrorfan 13 February 24, 2013 12:51 pm

    POOP!

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven November 14, 2014 8:04 pm

    This is what happens when idiots tells Rob Zombie to “do what you want, just make sure we can call it Halloween when you’re done”. It might have been better if he had just shit in a pumpkin.

    RECOMMENDED? The Doc recommends that if you ever come into contact with a copy of this film, that you destroy it with extreme prejudice and sterilize any tool/body part that came into contact with said copy. If ever asked in a court of law, you will attest to how your good Doc warned you against this procedure.
    Pairs well with: Day of the Dead (2008), pounding yourself in the crotch with a bowling ball because you once had a good time bowling

    NO stars... and I hope somebody blows out the light in this Jack o’ Lantern before it burns down the memory of what the Halloween name used to mean

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    Halloween Night (2006)
    Director: Mark (Sand Sharks, Battle OF Los Angeles) Atkins
    Starring: probably no names you’ll ever hear mentioned at the Oscars
    This movie is: An almost competent film from The Asylum... no, really

    Looking for another Halloweeny-type movie that you haven’t seen a bazillion times? If your fecal immunity’s feeling strong, then try this one out and if you make it past the first ten minutes, you’re in for a good-enough time. Written by long-time Fangoria editor Michael Gingold, it’s unfortunaltely cut off at the knees by less-than-amateur-hour makeup on its otherwise passable killer... and the director’s insistence on showing it... in bright light... a LOT. Still a better movie than Rob Zombie’s Halloween-branded imposter. -- Dr Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED? Strangely, yeah... like homeopathy, but if you believe it could work, then it just might.
    Pairs well with: Satan’s Little Helper (2004), Hell Night (1981)

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    Comments (0)

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    Hanna (2011)
    Director: Joe Wright
    Starring: Eric Bana, Cate Blanchett, Saoirse Riordan
    This movie is: Action, Cool, Violent

    Did you know that The Bourne Identity and Run Lola Run had sex? Its true, and Hanna is their ass kicking baby. Normally a movie about a teenage girl coming-of-age wouldn't float my boat, but when the girl is also a cold eyed killing machine who has been programmed her whole life to wreak vengeance on the CIA, I buy a front row seat. -- Mick Finnegan


    Pairs well with:
    The Bourne Series, Ronin, Run Lola Run

    No shit: Joe Wright, who directed this movie, also directed Pride & Prejudice. A movie with far fewer necks being snapped

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    Comments (2)

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:10 pm

    Thought it would be dumb but actually liked it - she was badass and I love anything with a bow and arrow.

    max_Heller April 28, 2012 10:06 pm

    How about Rambo 2. Thats got some good bow and arrow action. \m/



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    The Happening (2008)
    Director: M Night Shyamalan
    Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschannel
    This movie is: Stupid, Horror?

    The game stops, the referee blows his whistle and throws a yellow flag. "15 yard penalty to M Night Shyamalan for illegal use of a camera and terrible writing, 4th down." He points down field and blows his whistle again. The game starts back up. Audience loses.
    -- Max Heller

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    Comments (3)

    M Night's Mom February 28, 2012 1:15 am

    The crappening more like.

    Johnny Nogerelli February 28, 2012 4:18 pm

    Terrible. I made better movies in junior high.
    HALF A STAR

    Schmokin' May 2, 2012 11:32 pm

    Original Working Title: "Marky Mark versus a Light Breeze"



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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
    Director: J Lee Thompson
    Starring: Melissa Sue Anderson, Matt Craven
    This movie is: 80s slasher goodness

    Melissa Sue Anderson who played the blind girl on Little House on the Prairie is all grown up, shes a little distracting though because every time she stares off into the distance you think she’s blind. This movie was a bit different from some of the other slashers so its always stood out to me. The poster is pretty iconic even though it looks NOTHING like Matt Craven (spoiler…he dies) -- Max Heller

    No Shit: The same director as The Guns of the Navaronne??

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    Comments (0)

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    Hated: GG Allin and the Murder Junkies (1993)
    Director: Todd Phillips
    Starring: GG Allin, women who enjoyed getting beat and pissed on
    This Movie is: Better than the actual band it's about

    After you realize you just watched a documentary about a guy who made a career out of shitting on the same stage that most people would play music on, you'll agree that any subject can make for a good movie. --The Spork Guy

    Pairs Well With: Another State of Mind, Suburbia
    No Shit: See my Pink Flamingos review for the joke I'd normally put here.

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    Comments (0)

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    Hausu (aka HOUSE) (1977)
    Director: Nobuhiko Ôbayashi
    Starring: a bunch of Japanese girls
    This movie is: SO strange it actually works... no, really

    Wacky, unpredictable and still creepy, this Japanese ghost flick must be seen to be believed. Why does the Doc get the feeling that Sam Raimi saw this film in between making THE EVIL DEAD and EVIL DEAD 2? A pioneer of wahoo-gonzo horror.

    RECOMMENDED? If this doesn’t make you giggle, have yourself checked out...
    Pairs well with: House (1986), Evil Dead 2 (1987)

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    Comments (0)

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    Haywire (2012)
    Director: Steven Soderbergh
    Starring: Gina Carano, Ewan McGregor
    This movie is: Not as good as "they" say it is, Action

    Boooooooooooooooorrrrring. Sure Gina is hot in a crush you with her tree trunk thighs kinda way…but this movie is just not very entertaining and the soundtrack is awful, its like they stole it from a 1970's movie no-one remembers. The title doesn't make sense either, its not like she goes crazy and rogue and fucks shit up, that might have been cool, but no instead theres a convoluted plot you couldn't care less about. If you must see it fast forward to the fight scenes, its like fight porn --Max Heller

    Pairs well with:
    Something more entertaining so the nights not a total loss

    No shit: That girl can fight.

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    Comments (1)

    TheErikWilliams July 6, 2013 5:07 pm

    For some reason, the only good part of this movie was when the male stripper clocked her in the head with the coffee mug. Downhill from there.



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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Hell Night (1981)
    Director: Tom DeSimone
    Starring: Linda Blair, Vincent Van Patten
    This movie is: 80s horror

    A fraternity initiation goes awry when the haunted mansion they stay in turns out to be occupied instead by murderers! Starring Vincent Van Patten, of the Van Patten dynasty, and grown-up Linda Blair, who I gotta admit is pretty cute when she isn’t puking on stuff. It should be noted that the college-age demographic has a disproportionate number of deaths due to psychopaths with knives. Why are there so few movies about retirement homes being terrorized by monsters? – Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Hell Week, Hell Month if that is a real thing

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    Comments (1)

    Mick Finnegan December 18, 2012 8:31 pm

    If you want a movie with a retirement home being terrorized by monsters, check out "Bubba Ho-Tep".

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Hellraiser (1987)
    Director: Clive Barker
    Starring: Ashley Laurence, Clare Higgins
    If you find a mysterious puzzle box: DO NOT SOLVE IT

    Before Pinhead had a name, there was the original Hellraiser. The horror classic tells the story of a woman seducing and killing men in her attic in order to resurrect her dead lover, one bloody chunk at a time. Great practical effects abound here, but nowhere are they better used than the imaginatively grotesque Cenobites, pain-worshiping demons from another plane of existence. -- Leslie Down

    My favorite Cenobite: The fat guy with sunglasses

    No shit: Aside from FX inserts this movie was shot entirely in sequence.

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    Comments (1)

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven October 10, 2012 2:19 pm

    Summary review for the Hellraiser series, here goes...
    First two movies- AWESOME.
    Parts 3 through to whatever entry has just hit the video shelves- shit-fucking-house.

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    Highlander (1986)
    Director: Russel Mulcahy
    Starring: Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery
    This Movie Is: Fantasy, Action

    There should be only one.
    -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Ignoring all Highlander sequels and TV shows.

    No shit: Christopher Lambert could barely speak English when he took the lead role, in fact he worked with a dialogue coach to give him a nondescript European accent.

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    Comments (2)

    Connor McLeod April 11, 2012 12:40 pm

    Best review ever. Ricky Bobby said this movie won an Oscar for best movie ever. Pretty sure he was right.

    Horrorfan 13 July 29, 2012 10:48 am

    He was right.



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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
    Director: Alexandre Aja
    Starring: Aaron Stanford, Emilie de Ravin
    This movie is: for fans of torture porn

    While mutated backwoods hill-people are scary in their own right, this film tends away from being truly scary and more towards just being hard the watch. Like one particular scene where two women, one a minor, are violently raped while a baby cries in the background. Lovely stuff. Don’t watch this one and anticipating doing anything fun later on. Features: Ted Levine, who played Buffalo Bill in The Silence of the Lambs, this time on the receiving end of brutal torture --Leslie Down

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    Hitchcock (2012)
    Director: Sascha Gervasi
    Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Helen Mirren
    This movie is: Drama

    Hitchcock sucked Hitchdick --Twunch

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller February 28, 2013 8:51 pm

    Wow! Congratulations to Twunch for nailing the whole idea of the site. You sir get it. ;) I hope to see more from you.

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    The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2013)
    Director: Peter Jackson
    Starring: Those actors from middle earth
    This movie is: Heaven to some a nightmare to others

    You already know whether you want to see this or not. High Frame Rate may be the wave of the future, but it still looks like your watching a play, which makes digital fx stand out like crazy. But if you're a fan of the LOTR movies like I am, you have to see this one or they will take your nerd card away. --Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Dusting off your Dungeon Masters Guide and Monster Manual, Elder Scrolls games, a pipe full of Old Toby.

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    Stacks Image 11745
    The Hobbit 2 Dragon Boogaloo (2013)
    Director: Peter Jackson
    Starring:The same dwarves and hobbits from the other movie and a cool cgi dragon
    This movie is: The continuing story of a 300 page book extended to 9 hours of film

    Now that I understand what Peter Jackson is doing I'm actually on board for this. Sure its not the book anymore for purists and at times it feels like a theme park ride...but fuck it I'm in. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Lord of the Rings trilogy and the other Hobbit movie. as well as a pipe full of Old Toby
    No Shit: If you're high and have a phobia of spiders, pass on it till your sober.

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    Stacks Image 11406
    Holy Motors (2012)
    Director: Leos Carax
    Starring: French people, Eva Mendes
    This movie is: Drama, Fantasy, Jaw-dropping

    You will have no idea what is happening at any point and you will love every minute of it. Guaranteed.--Blitzkrieg

    Pairs well with: Enter The Void, Cosmopolis, Angel-A, ecstasy

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    Stacks Image 4917
    Hooper (1978)
    Director: Hal Needham
    Starring: Burt Reynolds, (do you seriously need more it stars fucking Burt at his prime!)
    This movie is: A realistic comedy about stuntmen…kinda.

    In the 70's and 80's we didn't have Pixar movies to take the whole family too, so instead we went to Burt Reynolds movies and everyone laughed and had a good time and we all grew up strong and wanted to be like Burt and everyone benefitted from it.--Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Smokey and the Bandit movies, Cannonball Run movies.

    No shit: Not a drip or drop of CGI in this movie all real stunts all the time…like my last girlfriend.

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    Stacks Image 4911
    The Horde (2009)
    Director: Yannick Dahan
    Starring: Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins, Some other French people
    This movie is: Cool, Fast paced, Violent, Horror, Zombie-rific

    Normally the French are known for surrendering under signs of duress...not this time. This was balls out awesome. Some of the best, "I'm not going down without a fight" moments ever witnessed in a film. I can't recall seeing zombies get head butted ever before. This is one to buy for the collection. -- Max Heller




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    Comments (2)

    Schmokin' May 2, 2012 11:51 pm

    I have this at a state of constantly half-watched on my Netflix. I think I've nodded off twice now during the middle section. Does it get boring around that spot somewhere? Subliminal images being projected? French language induced narcolepsy?

    I liked what I watched, though. That's the weirdest part.

    Dunno...need to finish it someday.

    Max_Heller May 5, 2012 11:52 pm

    Just fast forward past the French spots next time.



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    Horrible Bosses (2011)
    Director: Seth Gordon
    Starring: Jason Bateman, Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Spacey
    This Movie Is: Comedy, Just fine

    If I had to give a one word review, I'd say,"s'yaknow."
    There's a couple handfuls of laffs. It doesn't suck. There's 1 maybe 2 takeaway lines. Good outtakes during the credits that don't wait till they're all finished. S'...yaknow. It's just fine. See it if you have nothing else to do and you'll be like, "Great." It's not as funny as Throw Momma From The Train or suspenseful as Strangers On A Train, but it has better T n A. -- filmschoolgrad

    I give it a very middle 3 stars.

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller June 12, 2012 6:37 pm

    couldn't agree more. although I secretly wish I had Jennifer Aniston as a boss...I fail to see what that dudes problem with her was. Hehe



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    Horror of Dracula (1958)
    Director: Terrence Fisher
    Starring: Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee
    This movie is: Hammer Horror (duh its in the title), Classic

    Born in a simple time. A time before vampires became metrosexual and glittered in the sun light. A time when vampires melted down in the sun. A time when vampires were still bad ass. You might think this movie would be all wimped out because its from the 50's, but its got balls bigger than most modern crap. Why you ask? Because its a Hammer film Bitch! -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Curse of Frankenstein (also reviewed here)

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    Stacks Image 7546
    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    House of 1000 Corpses (2003)
    Director: Rob Zombie
    Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley
    This movie is: A Love Letter to '70s Exploitation Flicks...A shitty love letter.

    This is one of those flicks that has a ton of potential but ultimately succumbs to the weight of its own shittiness. There are moments, including the opening, that make you think, "Maybe Rob's got something here" but then you quickly realize he's written himself into a corner and has no way out except through stupidity, cliche, and mondo blood. And not even good cliches or mondo blood. Plus, Dr. Satan? Really? That's the best name you could come up with for your ultimate bad guy?-- TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: The Most Shocking Tale of Carnage Ever Seen
    Tagline shoulda been: The Most Overfilled Colostomy Bag Ever Filmed

    No shit: The villains were named after Groucho Marx characters from a variety of their films.
    Pairs well with: The Devil's Rejects; rednecks; Swamp People; University of Texas Alumni

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller October 7, 2012 5:51 pm

    I saw this one with a lady friend...she kept looking at me like "really?" "we are really gonna stay and watch this" After a while I agreed it was time to go.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven October 10, 2012 2:23 pm

    Feels like it was made by someone who feared they'd never get to make another movie again. Sadly, this was not the case.

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    House of the Dead (2003)
    Director: Uwe Boll
    Starring: Clint Howard, Jurgen Prochnow
    This film is: Based on a video game, the beginnings of a director in line to inherit Ed Wood's legacy

    Teens go to a rave on the appropriately named Isle de Muerte (which Clint Howard points out, means Island of the Dead) only to shockingly find a zombie infestation. Director Uwe Boll makes his debut adapting video games into the cinematic equivalent of a punch in the nutsack, and he's at his best here. The man thinks it's a good idea to cut shots from the video game in between scenes, and that's a pretty good indication of the kind of director he is. Like a horrible car crash, this movie begs to be watched for the morbid spectacle of it, if nothing else. -- Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Alone in the Dark, Mystery Science Theater 3000

    No shit: This movie is so bad that Uwe Boll has released a "funny" version of it on DVD. Where he rips on the movie and defends his directorial skills. They even use new footage to make it funnier.

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    Comments (3)

    Max_Heller April 28, 2012 10:08 pm

    The man is a freakin' genius. What else can i say except maybe thank you?

    Schmokin' May 3, 2012 12:02 am

    I was so excited to see this film. I'm not much of a gamer, but I always dug playing this at my local bar-- it's a gun game, with zombies.

    But when I was about 10 minutes into the film, people in the theater just started looking at one another...questioningly. As if to say, "Are you seeing this shit on the screen too?"

    I never talk during films, but I did that day...as the entire audience was talking back to the screen. It was our only defense. If it hadn't been for that shared pain of seeing a bad film together, I probably would have just walked out (or turned it off if I was watching it at home).

    I don't even know how people can make a film as bad as this with any sort of budget. Just inexplicably bad. Not even MST3K-able it's so bad. Outsider art bad.

    But it seem he's decided to laugh with us once he realized everyone was laughing at him. That said...this isn't even his worst film.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven October 3, 2012 7:19 pm

    The really ironic thing is that the "funny version" is actually LESS funny that the regular version.



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    Howl's Moving Castle (2004)
    Director: Hayao Miyazaki
    Starring: Christian Bale, Billy Crystal
    This movie is: Japanese and Disney, weirdly cool

    Anime movies are either super violent or meant for children this walks the fine line between. Disney puts their spin on it for the American release, but it's still a Japanese take on western fairy tales. Except it's the old kind of fairly tales, where kids have to work jobs and get cursed to be miserable for no reason. Christian Bale is weirdly miscast as a fey wizard, but Billy Crystal is surprisingly appropriate as a fire demon.-- Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Princess Mononoke

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    Comments (1)

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:11 pm

    I watched this one with my jaw hanging open trying to fathom the brain that thought this one up. But, I won't forget it, and I've seen a lot of forgettable movies.



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    Hulk (2003)
    Director: Ang Lee
    Starring: Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly
    This movie is: Comic Book, Underrated

    I think this film makes use of creative and original directorial devices to examine the deep psychology of the characters in refreshing ways. Other people think it’s a piece of shit. You’re probably other people. --Hagop

    Pairs well with: Absinthe, a dime bag, McDonald’s Shamrock Shake, and other mind-altering, green things.

    No Shit: Lou Ferrigno and Stan Lee have cameos as security guards.

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    Comments (6)

    Hulkster March 5, 2012 11:05 am

    Don't make me Ang Lee you won't like me when I'm Ang Lee.

    Lou Ferigno March 5, 2012 12:20 pm

    Ah hd gud time n bofe d Hlk mvee.

    Schmokin' May 2, 2012 11:39 pm

    I haven't watched any of the Hulk movies so far. Dunno...I just could never imagine anyone else besides Lou Ferrigno in the role.

    Max_Heller May 5, 2012 11:57 pm

    Yeah this wasn't terrible, neither was the remake. But now The Avengers Hulk has a different actor. Thats 4 Hulks in 9 years alone. Perhaps its cursed.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven October 10, 2012 2:25 pm

    No wonder the Hulk's angry- every time he changes back to Bruce Banner, there's a different actor playing him.

    Max_Heller December 19, 2012 12:49 am

    Thats funny Dr. Phil



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    The Hunger Games (2012)
    Director: Gary Ross
    Starring Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Woody Harrelson
    This Movie Is: Sci-fi, Action, Based on a book

    That chick from Winter’s Bone and X-Men: First Class is a crack-shot badass with a bow and arrow who gets forced into a game where she has to kill other kids Battle Royale style. I was a bit wary going into the theater because it’s based on some “young adult fiction” - a category that generally makes me want to throw up and then re-eat my own vomit (sensitive twinkly vampires and whatnot) – but this movie is pretty f’n rad (f bomb removed to keep it PG-13). The Hunger Games is definitely a good time, despite the fact that (much like Logan’s Run) it’s going to look jaw-droppingly ridiculous in 20 years. I’m not sure what to expect from the sequel, but I’m really hoping that she goes beyond Thunderdome to kill all those kids that ruined the third Mad Max movie.—Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Battle Royale (that other dystopian future school-children-kill-each-other-for-sport in a last-kid-standing-takes-all-competition)

    No Shit: Yeah. It’s not an original idea. Who cares? It’s still good.

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    Comments (5)

    Eliza Pentacost March 28, 2012 8:59 pm

    Wow! What a cool Evil Empire! So hip, and what funky fashion! WAY better than all that shitty philosophy and those drab togas when they used to be called Ancient Rome! I just wish there wasn't so much time devoted to the grubby peasant children--they didn't seem grateful for the roads or the Aqueduct or anything! What a bunch of losers, LOL!

    I just bet running through the forest hunting each other made them almost as tired as watching all 17 hours of The Hunger Games made me.

    Max_Heller April 1, 2012 12:30 pm

    Nice Eliza, how many stars?

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:13 pm

    I think they did a good job adapting the book, which I read first, but kind of wish I didn't because it was so close I always knew what was going to happen. Again extra star for bow and arrow.

    Schmokin' May 2, 2012 11:47 pm

    First hour could have been a montage scene and the film would have lost nothing.

    The Seussville fashions hurt my heart.

    And it was actually kind of boring. I said it.

    Now, you want kids killing each other? "Battle Royale" is the way to go. Same exact idea, a few actual likeable characters, and a lot of freakin' killings. Much Better Film.

    Not as bad as "Twilight", but the same exact target demographic. I rolled my eyes a lot.

    Those fuckers didn't even seem all that hungry. Shee-yot!

    Max_Heller May 5, 2012 11:59 pm

    Battle Royale is the bomb!! It's most definitely Whatchawant.