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    Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa (2013)
    Director: Jeff Tremaine
    Starring: Johnny Knoxville
    This Movie Is: The best social experiment ever conceived.

    A great coming of age road trip flick about a man with a fetish for young black women and a trunk full of his wife's corpse, who takes his grandson to live with his abusive zuggalo father. This can't start airing on LMN any sooner.

    3 1/2 stars

    Pairs Well With: Jackass 3D, Borat

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Bag of Bones Mini-series (2011)
    Director: Mick Garris
    Starring: Pierce Brosnan
    This movie is: Fucking Terrible. So much so your eyes will bleed upon viewing.

    I could go into a little detail but why bother? This mini-series is an embarrassment and Mick Garris continues to prove he is the worst thing to happen to moving pictures. Ever. Seriously, it's that bad. They should have called it Stephen King's BAG OF SHIT. --TheErikWilliams

    Can I give zero stars?


    Tagline was: Beware the Lake
    Tagline shoulda been: Beware the Rape of Your Ocular Cavity that is this Mini-Series

    No shit: Pierce Brosnan plays an American writer but makes no attempt to sound like an American. Nice acting, asshole.
    Pairs well with: The Musical styling of Yoko Ono; anything by Uwe Boll; Smegma

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    Comments (1)

    Max Heller October 3, 2012 12:58 pm

    You are quickly becoming one of my favorite reviewers Erik.



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    The Bank Job (2008)
    Director: Roger Donaldson
    Starring: Jason Statham, Saffron Burrows
    This movie is: Drama

    Normally when Jason Statham uses his head in a movie, it’s to butt someone into unconsciousness. In “The Bank Job” he has slightly more brains behind his butt. A good heist movie set in the 1970s but thankfully not made in the 1970s, so it doesn’t suffer from “70’s pacing” - condition that makes movies like “The French Connection” and (the original)“The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3” take for-fucking-ever. -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Lock Stock and two Smoking Barrels, Inside Man
    No Shit: Authentic 70’s bush? Not quite. This movie was shot in 2008, an era in which most ladies garden a bit more round the old undercarriage. For the brothel scene in “The Bank Job” most of them had to wear merkins – fake pubic wigs – to give the on camera muff that extra touch of super-fly realism.

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    Batman Begins (2005)
    Director: Chris Nolan
    Starring: Christian Bale, Katie Holmes, Michael Caine, Gary Oldman, Morgan Freeman
    This Movie Is: Superhero, Action, Dark, Reboot, whatchawant

    Chris Nolan pops the nipples off the Batsuit and gives you whatchawant. Dark, brooding, and obsessively angry Christian Bale plays the dark, brooding, and obsessively angry Batman. As Bruce Wayne, Bale only stretches far enough to punch you in the face. . . but his knuckles taste like sweet buttered popcorn. -- Mick Finnegan

    No shit: Len Wein, who created the character of Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman) also created the character of Wolverine snickity snick!.

    Pairs well with: The Dark Knight, Casino Royale (another sweet n’ gritty reboot)

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller August 5, 2012 1:29 am

    Yeah this movie totally rocks!



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    Battleship (2013)
    Director: Peter Berg
    Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Rihanna
    This movie is: Sci-fi ,Explody, CGI-full

    The stunning camera work is nothing compared to the character arcs and reality based plot points. Visionary director Peter Berg shows us his masterful iconic take on an Extinction Level Event (ELE) involving extraterrestrials and our very own Military. Rihanna is very believable as a sonar operator on a Naval Destroyer….BBBBBBPPPPPPPHHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT (fart noise). Seriously… this movie is stupid, beyond stupid, full of terribly ridiculous bad acting, and digital destruction, oh and its fun, yeah thats right I said its FUN, fuckin sue me. If Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich had a baby this is what their baby would look like. And it would sound like the mighty Missouri's 16 inch guns going off and blowing apart alien ass. This is our planet shitheads. Hua! --Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Being a child.

    No Shit: The tie ins to the actual game Battleship have to be seen to be believed. If I told you, you'd think I was lying to you.

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    Comments (2)

    Anonymous May 29, 2012 8:19 am

    does the captain of the ship call out for a shot to be fired in the sector of B4? and does the gunnery sergeant reply,"Before what?" all innocent-like (but we know he's just havin a lil fun with the cap'n? does that happen? because that's the only way i'll watch this.

    Max_Heller June 2, 2012 11:04 pm

    I think thats in the directors cut. (hoping)



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    Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)
    Director: Scott Glosserman
    Starring: Nathan Baesel, Angela Goethals
    This movie: Features a special appearance by Freddy Krueger himself, Robert Englund

    A mockumentary about an up-and-coming serial killer who idolized Mike Myers. But this film can’t decide if it wants to be a parody or an actual horror movie, and it whiplashes back and forth between the two without doing either one especially well. It’s trying to be the very thing they’re analyzing for humor but still wants to be taken seriously. – Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Cabin in the Woods, Scream

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    Comments (1)

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven November 14, 2014 7:53 pm

    Somehow, this one manages to take the piss out of the slasher genre, then turns into everything it lampooned... SUCCESSFULLY. The Doc’s still not sure how exactly this procedure is pulled off so effectively, but somehow it works marvellously.

    ABSOLUTELY RECOMMENDED THERAPY
    Pairs well with: Scream (1996), Cabin in the Woods (2012)
    **** out of five stars

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    Beyond the Door (1974)
    Director: Ovidio G. Assonitis
    Starring: Some people... and some kids
    This movie is: An Italian Exorcist-knock-off, yet better and more influential than you’d think... no, really

    Apparently, repeat procedures like the Evil Dead remake and The Conjuring are really disturbing the ‘tweens raised on such fine horror as Twilight and Zombieland (and their even-harsher television equivalents). The Doc prescribes chucking this sometimes silly, yet disturbing flick into their kiddie-horror playlist and watch their little expressions change and their prescriptions increase.

    RECOMMENDED? Part of any good doctor’s extended prescription.
    Pairs well with: Anytime someone says “I just saw a new movie that was weird and creepy” (and to those already under the Doc’s care), pair this one up with something else Italian and robust, like Shock aka. Beyond the Door II (1977) or House by the Cemetery (1981)

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    Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
    Director: John Carpenter
    Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Catrall, and Asians
    This movie is: Classic

    Shit son, do I have to say anything about this badass classic? Allow me to quote from the movie: "All I know is, this Lo Pan character comes out of thin air in the middle of a goddamn alley while his buddies are flying around on wires cutting everybody to shreds, and he just stands there waiting for me to drive my truck straight through him with *light* coming out of his mouth!" Yeah, that about sums it up. --TheErikWilliams

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    Black Moon Rising (1986)
    Director: Harley Cokeliss
    Starring: Tommy Lee Jones, Linda Hamilton, Robert Vaughn
    This movie is: Action-free 80’s action

    Written by John Carpenter, with Jones, Hamilton and a kickass car, turns out to be surprisingly boring. --Andy "Action-slacks" McGillicuddy

    Pairs well with: Knight Rider, if Knight Rider sucked.

    Fuck this shit.

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    Blood Car (2007)
    Director: Alex Orr
    Starring: Mike Brune, Anna Chlumsky
    This movie is: Not so good, Horror

    It’s a CAR! It RUNS on BLOOD! And it doesn’t kill on its own, you have to feed it the victims. A cameo by Anna Chlumsky (“My Girl”) who grew up to be pretty cute. Yeah, that’s about it. --Schmokin'


    Pairs well with: Watching 1977's "The Car" instead (see our review).


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    The Bourne Legacy (2012)
    Director: Tony Gilroy
    Starring: Jeremy Renner, Rachel Weisz
    This movie is: Action spy thriller, sequel

    Over two hours of suspense and breathtaking action, but I'm still in my seat waiting for the third act. --Pinballdizzy

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    Comments (1)

    Mick Finnegan August 31, 2012 7:56 pm

    I love these awesome 1 sentence reviews. Keep 'em coming 'dizzy.



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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    The Bride (1985)
    Director: Franc Roddam
    Starring: Sting, Jennifer Beals, Clancy Brown
    This movie is: Romantic horror, aka, Crap

    The Monster hanging with a dwarf at the circus? Sting as Dr. Frankenstein? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, this really is a movie and not something I dreamed while high on bath salts? Well, at least you get to see Jennifer Beals naked. --TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: A Woman Born of Electricity. A Man Driven By Obsession.
    Tagline shoulda been: A Woman Born of Electricity. A Man Driven By Obsession. An Angry Monster Who Wants to Get His Freak On.

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    Comments (1)

    Horrorfan 13 October 29, 2012 7:16 pm

    That Frankenguy had some mad fuckn skills.

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    Bride of the Monster (1955)
    Director: Ed “The Legend” Wood
    Starring: Bela Lugosi, Tor Johnson
    This movie is: A classic?

    There’s not much you can say about Ed Wood that hasn’t already been said. A mad scientist who creates Loch Ness monsters in his free time uses radiation to create a race of superhumans, one person at a time. Also the radiation causes lightning storms, I think? This work features the famous scene of Bela Lugosi wrestling a giant octopus, shown here by rolling around on a rubber prop and screaming. – Leslie Down

    Tagline was: It’ll make your skin crawl!
    Tagline should’ve been:  (Same as above.)

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Bubba Ho-Tep (2002)
    Director: Don Coscarelli
    Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis
    This Movie Is: Horror, Comedy, Cult

    At first, the very idea of this movie - Elderly Elvis and black JFK teaming up to kick undead ass - seems totally retarded; but “Bubba Ho-Tep” is surprisingly brilliant. It’s like one of them “Super-Tards” that can’t tie their shoes or use a fork but play the piano like motherfuckers. Wipe off that drool and Hail to the King, baby.
    --Mick Finnegan



    Pairs well with: Army of Darkness
    No shit: Director Don Coscarelli also wrote and directed “The Beastmaster” and “Phantasm”.

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    Comments (2)

    Horrorfan 13 January 25, 2013 8:29 pm

    The uhhhhh Elvis makeup on Bruce...WTF. maybe no one should watch this in HD.

    azqdtkmyAdM March 2, 2016 3:36 pm

    High-Chee
    Chenowar
    Do you know Lee Hand Sang?
    You can't take all of our Jen Sing!
    Ten Yare
    Hsia Kwan Li
    Make Up: Helen Hong
    Music: Chow Fook Leung
    Cameraman: Chuang Yng Chien
    Martial Arts Director: Pang Kong
    Mr. Lin is waiting for you in the billiard room
    Mister Chang, you and Mister Wong have made a lot of money in the French Quarter
    Wong Ching Ling is getting too big for his boots
    Fong is after control for the British Quarter
    It is Wahn Ching Wing's idea
    Don't you know Lou Chin needs two hands to drink his wine?
    That basket will cost you 10 tales of gold from the Invisible Thief
    Martial Arts Director Chen Shao Peng
    Lighting by Dickson Lam
    Photography Jimmy Yu

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    Bullet to the Head (2013)
    Director: Walter Hill
    Starring: Stallone, and Asian guy from the Fast and Furious movies
    This movie is: So bad it's not even fun

    I love Walter Hill and I love Stallone, this movie was aimed at the demographic of me and I fucking hated it. It's awful on every level. Im worried that memories of this film may have overwritten some nice childhood memories in my head with its sub par garbage. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: nothing, skip it all together in favor of traffic school, and yes…putting a bullet in your own head (I didn't need to say it but you were all thinking it)

    Tagline shoulda been: Bullet to the head, It'll make ya want one!

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    The Burning (1981)
    Director: Tony Maylam
    Starring: George Castanza and Holly (blink-and-you’ll-miss-her) Hunter
    This movie is: A perfect summer camp slasher in the woods... no, really

    One of the first great cash-in-slashin’-flicks. Owes as much to black-gloved-Italian-giallo as it does to Friday the 13TH. Complete with Tom Savini’s anatomically-accurate gore effects, this one is good medical research. Knows what it is and gets on with delivering the goods. -- Dr. Phil Muhgraven

    RECOMMENDED? Well, did you want to watch some horror or not?

    Pairs well with: Just Before Dawn, Madman, Friday The 13th

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