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  • Stacks Image 10847
    Abraham Lincoln Vampire hunter (2012)
    Director: Timbur Bekmambetov
    Starring: Benjamin Walker, Rufus Sewell
    This movie is: Not very historically accurate (I think)

    Holy gravity defying EVERYTHING... Seriously? This movie takes itself seriously??- Max Heller

    No shit:
    This movie is proof that Hollywood will green light anything and throw heaps of money at complete garbage that no one cares to see.

    Tagline was: President by day hunter by night? (who made a paycheck coming up with that one?)
    Tagline shoulda been: Join our tagline contest and win a walk on part in Thomas Jefferson VS the Voodoo Priestess

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    Comments (23)

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    Stacks Image 10872
    Act of Valor (2012) aka Act of Fucking Valor!
    Director:
    Mike McCoy, Scott Waugh
    Starring: Real fucking SEAL team members
    This movie is: Patriotic as fuck.

    Is it Gimmicky that the producers hired actual active duty SEAL team members to be the characters in this movie? No its fucking awesome. If you are American or have a penis or have ever played Call of Duty. This was made for you and your'e welcome. Jack up my fucking tax dollars if this is what you guys do with the money. Hua!-- Max Heller



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    Comments (0)

    Stacks Image 10897
    A Good Day to Die Hard (2013)
    Director: John Moore
    Starring: Bruce Willis as the awesome and sometimes hilarious John McClane
    This movie is: A Die Hard movie! Duh!

    There is no such thing as a bad Die Hard movie. They are just of varrying degrees of Die Hardness. It's action movie Viagra. If your a man, it's whatchawant. --Max Heller

    No shit: One of the biggest car chase scenes ever it took 5 weeks to shoot. see it for this car-nage alone.

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    Comments (0)

    Stacks Image 10922
    Age of Dragons (2011)
    Director: Ryan Little
    Starring: Danny Glover, Vinnie Jones
    This movie is: Fantasy, Boring, A waste of your time

    Moby Dick with a white dragon? Sounds like its whatcha-want. If Herman Mellville worked for the Sci Fi channel as a writer this is what you would get. Unfortunately this is not whatcha-want. Unless whatcha-want is to see is Danny Glover chew up the scenery “Lethal Weapon Style”. The only thing missing is him saying in a grizzled manner "I'm getting too old for this shit" or rather "Arrrrr! I be gettin' too old for thee shite." I know I'm too old for this shit. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (1)

    Herman Mellville April 8, 2012 10:13 am

    Hold on a second I'm rolling over in my grave.



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    Aaah! Zombies!! (2007)
    Director: Matthew Kohnen
    Starring: Matthew Davis, Julianna Robinson and Michael Grant Terry
    This movie is: Comedy horror. Yes, zombies need love too.

    Finally, a movie from the zombies' point of view! Traditionally, zombies move slowly – but to them, the living move in super-fast motion – hilarious. And to top it off, we find out that what they really want to be doing (besides eating brains, with a side of salsa) is - bowling! Get past the first 15 minutes of this low budget yet creative take on zombie flicks and you're in for a pretty darn good time, if you've got a sense of humor, zombie-style. Brain margaritas Anyone? Anyone?? - Angela Demonde

    Pairs well with: Shaun of the Dead, Fido

    No shit: The movie premiered at the La ScreamFest in 2007 (Audience Award winner) under the title Wasting Away

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller July 8, 2012 4:55 pm

    yeah this is pretty funny. "Do you think Mexican brains are spicy"



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    Alligator (1980)
    Director: Lewis Teague
    Starring: Robert Forrester, Robin Riker
    This movie is: Horror, Awesome, Monster on the rampage, CGI-less

    My love for this film is unconditional. If Alligator ate my puppy I would forgive it. If I caught Alligator with my wife I would understand. If Alligator wrecked my car because it was drunk, chances are it was my fault and I'm sorry. Alligator I love you. Can YOU prove it couldn't really happen? I didn't think so. 4 out of 5 stars because it might someday happen. -- Max Heller

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    Comments (2)

    Mike April 8, 2012 10:15 am

    Alligator is CLASSIC. and CGI less. I love the real gator crawling through the miniature set. SWEET!

    Max_Heller February 28, 2013 8:49 pm

    Thanks for all the votes and for dropping the deuce on me!



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    Alone in the Dark (2005)
    Director: Uwe Boll
    Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid
    This movie is: going to be exhibit A when intergalactic courts try humans for our atrocities

    Christian Slater plays a detective investigating supernatural monsters, and Tara Reid tries desperately to get us believe she's a scientist. Here's an indicator of the quality: In one scene, Michelle Rodriguez's character dies, as she is wont to do. But right after she dies, before the camera cuts to the next scene, she gets up and walks away. I would have been happy doing either of those things while watching this film. -- Leslie Down

    Pairs well with: Bloodrayne, blackout drunk

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    Comments (0)



    Stacks Image 11050
    Altered States (1980)
    Director: Ken Russell
    Starring: William Hurt, Blair Brown
    This movie is: CGI-less, Trippy, Sci-fi

    Altered States is a stream of faced paced psychobabble followed by some wacked out, incredibly trippy sequences and enough rampant drug use to make Tommy Chong blush. And if you happened to have thought ahead and sparked one up beforehand than kudos to you, you are about to enjoy a landmark special effects movie in the way that God intended. Unlike David Lynch’s Eraserhead, this movie should always be watched high. -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Cranking Iron Butterfly’s In-a-gadda-da-vida up to 10 on your stereo.
    No shit: William Hurt and Drew Barrymore’s film debuts.

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    Comments (1)

    Max_Heller July 8, 2012 3:13 pm

    I did happen to catch this movie on cable while stoned and I thought...wow this is the greatest movie of all time. LOL



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    American Hustle (2013)
    Director: David O Russel
    Starring: Amy Adams in hot 70's clothes, Fat Batman (Not affleck)
    This movie is: about Abscam in the 70s/80s

    Batman is a fat balding con man and he gets Hot 70's sexpot Amy Adams to help him con some people but they they busted by Hangover guy with an afro so they work for him now. Awesome characters and acting. -- Max Heller

    Pairs well with: Being in love with Amy Adams

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    Comments (0)

    Stacks Image 11082
    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    An American Werewolf in London (1981)
    Director: John Landis
    Starring: Frank Oz, David Naughton
    This movie is: Horror, classic, CGI-less

    A guy backpacking through Europe gets bitten by a werewolf, and the movie shows every excruciating detail of his transformation, including his skeleton reshaping. But mostly he just loafs around the house. There’s also a dream sequence where the protagonist and his family get murdered by demon Nazis, apropos of nothing. -- Leslie Down

    No shit: The American ambassador sounds like Fozzie Bear

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    Comments (2)

    Max_Heller December 8, 2012 10:48 am

    This movie fucking Rules. Demon Nazi's are a strong sales point in my book.

    Horrorfan 13 March 27, 2013 11:32 am

    5 fuckn stars bitches. Old school awesome. Fuck that stupid computery sequel though. Watching that sequel was like being rat tailed in the highschool gym. It just fuckn sucks.

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Angel Heart (1987)
    Director: Alan Parker
    Starring: Mickey Rourke, Robert De Niro
    This movie is: Horor-noir greatness

    The perfect blend of noir and horror. Rourke with a normal face. De Niro best (you know who) ever (suck it, Pacino). And the egg scene. Awesome, creepy, and maybe the best foreshadowing in film history. --TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: Harry Angel has been hired to search for the truth...Pray he doesn't find it.
    Tagline shoulda been: Voodoo and murder? Run away!

    No shit: One of my top five horror films of all time. Not that you care or anything.

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    Comments (0)

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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Animals (2008)
    Director: Douglas Aarniokoski
    Starring: Naveen Andrews and other people
    This movie is: Dick Cheese

    This movie is awesome if you love hot naked chicks, acting so bad that the only thing worse in the flick is the special effects, and a plot that only makes sense if you're tripping balls. If those aren't your cup of tea, I recommend just putting it on mute and skipping to the hot naked chicks.--TheErikWilliams

    Tagline was: The Deadliest Predator is Already Inside You
    Tagline shoulda been: And by deadliest predator, I mean my dick.

    Pairs well with: Skinemax

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    Comments (0)

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    Army of Darkness (1993)
    Director: Sam Raimi
    Starring: Bruce Fucking Campbell, Embeth Davidtz, Evil Bruce Campbell
    This movie is: Groovy

    Bruce Campbell stars in this movie. So that's 5 Stars. Ok, now for the rest of the review; There is not a single boring moment in this movie, and just like the rest of human kind, this might become one of your favorites after you see it. Don't let people tell you otherwise, that's just what we call pillow talk, baby, that's all. -- The Spork Guy


    Pairs well with: Evil Dead 2, Dead Alive, They Live
    No Shit: Bruce Campbell has stated that he's mad at the video game Duke Nukem 3D for stealing half of his lines from this movie.

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    Attack the Block (2011)
    Director: Joe Cornish
    Starring: No one you’ve heard of, Nick Frost
    This movie is: Sci-fi, Horror, Fun

    When kids start saving the day, I start changing the fucking channel. It’s lame. Remember Mad Max beyond Thunderdome? What a piece of shit. Yet Attack the Block proves that with all rules come exceptions. By the end of this “Thugs take on the aliens” adventure, I was thoroughly rooting for the kids. Sure they’ve got accents thicker than Yorkshire Puddin’, but if my block ever gets attacked by drooling man eating aliens, I’ll be tippin’ me cap to these blokes faster than you can say bangers and mash. -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: The Goonies (maybe the only other kids save the day movie worth your tuppence)

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    Comments (3)

    Angela April 28, 2012 7:03 pm

    Liked this one. Original. Lots of fun and would recommend.

    Max_Heller August 23, 2012 10:13 pm

    I liked this way more than I thought I would. I mean the fuzzy cartoon aliens drove me a little nuts, but other than that...rock on guvna.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven December 27, 2012 5:27 pm

    The Doc was able to sit through 30 minutes of this. The only way I could have done more is if Harry Brown showed up at minute 31 and started capping the little British hoods.



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    31DaysOfHELLoween contest submission
    Audition (1999)
    Director: Takashi Miike
    Starring: Ryo Ishibashi, Eihi Shiina
    This film: beats out From Dusk Till Dawn for sudden, bizarre left turns

    This is about an hour and a half of romance followed by twenty minutes of violent torture OUT OF NOWHERE. I think this film must’ve started the “torture horror” genre that exploded when Saw was released. But it’s not so much scary as it is hard to watch. On the other hand, it doesn’t end with a double suicide, so right there it’s the cheeriest Japanese film I’ve ever seen. – Leslie Down

    Tagline was: She always gets a part.
    Tagline should’ve been: Marriage is scary.

    Pairs well with: Zoloft

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    The Avengers (2012)
    Director: Joss Whedon
    Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Scarlett Johannsen, Samuel L. Jackson
    This Movie Is: Action, Superhero, Explodey, Awesome, CGI-full

    Nerd Messiah Joss Whedon pulls some superheroics of his own by taking a bunch of different stories and squeezing them into 2 plus hours of happy-explodey action and witty banter that makes this flick a serious contender for “greatest super hero movie of all time” -- Mick Finnegan

    Pairs well with: Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Serenity (another Joss Whedon joint)

    No shit: “Marvel’s The Avengers” is so good, doctors recently discovered that pregnant ladies who watch it will give birth to babies who look exactly like Stan Lee.


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    Comments (5)

    Max_Heller May 19, 2012 7:18 pm

    I saw it in 3D. It added to the awesomeness. I can't wait till they remake this movie one day in 4D

    filmschoolgrad May 31, 2012 3:58 pm

    hopefully, next time they don't focus on the gargantuan/impossible world of thor and the millions of aliens on space chariots.

    Dr. Phil Muhgraven August 4, 2012 6:55 pm

    Great first half with fantastic characters. Second half is typical Marvel-Playstation flipping cars and smashing buildings, with special guest appearance from the same mechanical-reptile-tentacle-blimp-thingys that we also saw in TRANSFORMERS 3 and MIB3. Would happily watch the first half twice.

    CautiouslyOptimistic June 6, 2013 6:05 pm

    I’m not really a comic book person, but Avengers was a great time at the movies.

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